Category: Humorous Quotes SMS

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.  ~Colin Sautar

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.  ~Nicholas Chamfort

You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein?  Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret.  He is French, people.  ~Conan O’Brien, 2003

All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  ~P.D. EastCUL

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  ~Author Unknown

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.  ~George AdePCR

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.  ~Aldous Huxley

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.  ~Jack Handey

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.  Need I say more?  ~Chris Rock

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  ~Attributed to Arthur McBride BlochPMB; quoted by Martin H. Fischer in Fischerisms, 1930-1944

Protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know.  Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t know.  Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about.  Amen.  ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmlessch9, NA

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  ~Author Unknown

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  ~Sir Winston Churchill

All generalizations are bad.  ~R.H. Grenier

It’s always darkest before the dawn.  So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.  ~Author Unknown

I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.  ~Author Unknown

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  ~Rita Mae Brown

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.  ~Woody AllenMCDD

If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.  ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.  ~Dave Beard2:36 AM Sep 18th, 2008 twitter.com/Raqhun/status/925709969

Can we actually "know" the universe?  My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.  ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971SS

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey."  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Today is the last day of some of your life.  ~Author Unknown

After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they’d have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  ~P.J. O’Rourke

If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.  ~Elbert Hubbard

She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand.  ~Saul Bellow

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  ~Tom Waits, Small Change

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.  ~Author Unknown

Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  ~Carl Zwanzig

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.  ~H.L. MenckenPCR

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.  ~Douglas Adams

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!"  ~Author Unknown