Humorous Quotes SMS Collection

Protect me from knowing what i dont

Protect me from knowing what I don’t need to know.  Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don’t

The early bird gets the worm but

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  ~Author Unknown

A prisoner of war is a man

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  ~Sir Winston

Anybody can win unless there happens to

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.  ~George AdePCR

All generalizations are bad rh grenier

All generalizations are bad.  ~R.H. Grenier

Its always darkest before the dawn so

It’s always darkest before the dawn.  So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.  ~Author Unknown

You know the world is going crazy

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest

Maybe this world is another planets hell

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.  ~Aldous Huxley

I plan on living forever so far

I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.  ~Author Unknown

All my life ive wanted just once

All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Lead me not into temptation i can

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  ~Rita Mae Brown

The only thing that stops god from

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.  ~Nicholas Chamfort

If all else fails immortality can always

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

The universe is merely a fleeting idea

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind – a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on

If the phone doesnt ring its me

If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.  ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

You know why the french dont want

You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein?  Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret.  He

I used to eat a lot of

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.  ~Author Unknown

A conclusion is the place where you

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  ~Attributed to Arthur McBride BlochPMB; quoted by Martin H. Fischer in Fischerisms, 1930-1944

Just because youre not paranoid doesnt mean

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.  ~Colin Sautar

Love your enemies it makes them so

Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  ~P.D. EastCUL

I usually lump organized religion labor and

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants.  ~Dave Beard2:36 AM Sep

Can we actually 34know34 the universe my

Can we actually "know" the universe?  My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.  ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971SS

If you teach your children nothing else

If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey."  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Today is the last day of some

Today is the last day of some of your life.  ~Author Unknown

After all what is your hosts purpose

After all, what is your host’s purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose,

If you cannot answer a mans argument

If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.  ~Elbert Hubbard

She was what we used to call

She was what we used to call a suicide blond – dyed by her own hand.  ~Saul Bellow

The large print giveth but the small

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  ~Tom Waits, Small Change

There are truths of which i have

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.  ~Author Unknown

Duct tape is like the force it

Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  ~Carl Zwanzig

Say what you will about the ten

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. 

The ships hung in the sky much

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.  ~Douglas Adams

And on the eighth day god said

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!"  ~Author Unknown

Before you criticize someone should walk a

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you