Golf is a fascinating game it has

Golf is a fascinating game.  It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can’t play it.  ~Ted Ray, Golf – My Slice of Life, 1972CDC

If there is any larceny in a

If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.  ~Paul Gallico, quoted in New York Times, 6 Mar 1977; CDC

If your opponent is playing several shots

If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes.  It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head.  ~Harry VardonCG

Baseball players quit playing and they take

Baseball players quit playing and they take up golf.  Basketball players quit, take up golf.  Football players quit, take up golf.  What are we supposed to take up when we quit?  ~George ArcherCG

Golf is the cruelest game because eventually

Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around.  ~Rick Reilly, "Master Strokes," Sports Illustrated

I play in the low 80s if

I play in the low 80s.  If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.  ~Joe E. LewisDMCD; CG

Swinging at daisies is like playing electric

Swinging at daisies is like playing electric guitar with a tennis racket:  if it were that easy, we could all be Jerry Garcia.  The ball changes everything.  ~Michael Bamberger

If i had my way any man

If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be barred from any public office in the United States and the families of the breed would be shipped off to the white slave corrals of Argentina.  ~H.L. MenckenCG

There is one thing in this world

There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf.  That is watching someone else playing golf.  What do you actually get to see?  Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun.  Doesn’t that set your blood racing?  ~Peter AndrewsCDC

I have a tip that can take

I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s golf game:  it’s called an eraser.  ~Arnold PalmerDMCD; CG

After all these years its still embarrassing

After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour.  Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.  ~Chi Chi Rodriguez, on his Puerto Rican accentDMCD

They throw their clubs backwards and thats

They throw their clubs backwards, and that’s wrong.  You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don’t have to walk any extra distance to get it.  ~Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern playersCG

If you want to take long walks

If you want to take long walks, take long walks.  If you want to hit things with sticks, hit things with sticks.  But there’s no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV.  Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns.  ~National Lampoon, 1979CDC

To play golf is to spoil an

[T]o play golf is to spoil an otherwise enjoyable walk.  ~Attributed to "the Allens," as quoted by H.S. Scrivener in Lawn Tennis at Home and Abroad, 1903, Arthur Wallis Myers, ed., commonly attributed to Mark Twain as "Golf is a good walk spoiled."quoteinvestigator.com/2010/05/28/golf-good-walk (Thanks, Garson O’Toole of quoteinvestigator.com!)

I just hope dont have to explain

I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.  ~Bob Hope, about his golfingCG

When you hear someone shout 34you da

When you hear someone shout "You da man," if he ain’t shouting at Arnold Palmer, then it ain’t da man.  ~Ron Green, Charlotte ObserverCG

If you call on god to improve

If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using "an outside agency" and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf.  ~Henry LonghurstCDC

Trevino is in a league by himself

Trevino is in a league by himself.  We don’t even count him.  We figure when you come in second, you’re a winner.  ~Chi Chi RodriguezCG

Drugs are very much a part of

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren’t penalized for being on grass.  ~Bob HopeCDC

No game designed to be played with

No game designed to be played with the aid of personal servants by right-handed men who can’t even bring along their dogs can be entirely good for the soul.  ~Bruce McCall, "The Case Against Golf," Esquire

Reverse every natural instinct and do the

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.  ~Ben Hogan

Fifty years ago 100 white men chasing

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Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan.  Today it’s called the PGA Tour.  ~Author uncertain, attributed to Alex Haysee apr2007 email

Golf is not just an exercise its

Golf is not just an exercise; it’s an adventure, a romance… a Shakespeare play in which disaster and comedy are intertwined.  ~Harold SegallCG

34after all golf is only a game34

"After all, golf is only a game," said Millicent.  Women say these things without thinking.  It does not mean that there is a kink in their character.  They simply don’t realise what they are saying.  ~P.G. Wodehouse, Order by Golf, 1922CDC

It is more satisfying to be a

It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf.  The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot.  ~Nubar Gulbenkian, 1972CDC

In golf you keep your head down

In golf, you keep your head down and follow through.  In the vice presidency, you keep your head up and follow through.  It’s a big difference.  ~Dan QuayleCG

You are meant to play the ball

You are meant to play the ball as it lies, a fact that may help to touch on your own objective approach to life.  ~Grantland RiceCG

The least thing upset him on the

The least thing upset him on the links.  He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.  ~P.G. WodehouseCG

But you dont have to go up

But you don’t have to go up in the stands and play your foul balls.  I do.  ~Sam Snead, to Ted Williams, arguing which was more difficult, to hit a moving baseball or a stationary golf ballDCD

I never pray to god make a

I never pray to God to make a putt.  I pray to God to help me react good if I miss a putt.  ~Chi Chi RodriguezCG

Golf is not on the whole a

Golf is not, on the whole, a game for realists.  By its exactitudes of measurements it invites the attention of perfectionists.  ~Heywood Hale BrounCG

I would like to deny all allegations

I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.  ~Gerald FordCDC

Im not saying my golf game went

I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.  ~Attributed to both Miller Barber and Lee TrevinoDCD cites Barber; Trevino citation is "Coaches’ Corner," Scholastic Coach, Dec 1982 quoted in CDC; CG cites Trevino

Golf appeals to the idiot in us

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child.  Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.  ~John Updike